“Days Like Roller Coaster” — A Diary

It has been seven days since July was started; a month that I thought, for once, would be the best month out of 2021. The truth came out differently. Instead of a basket of glee and joy, July is more likely to a roller coaster.

It is no longer untold that I am such a devotee of Lee Taeyong and Do Kyungsoo. None of my friends have zero clues about it. And it has just happened that I started July, my most favorite month of the year, with Taeyong’s birthday and Kyungsoo’s statement about his upcoming solo album. Contentment burst in my heart, my soul was nowhere to be found as if I was taken to nirvana for some nanoseconds of my life. This assurance stayed with me for a whole twenty-four-hour. During the day, I bought sweet potatoes which happen to be Taeyong’s favorite snack. I took a great picture of it and posted it on my platform. By the dawn, I got myself ready for his VLive which happened to be held in between six and seven. I could not really remember the time, but it was definitely a healing time for me. Taeyong’s birthday live broadcast was also completed with the arrival of Kim Doyoung, Taeyong’s closest friend. The broadcast last longer than how I expected it would be, so it gave me more glee. All in all, my first of July was perfectly admirable.

As the corona outbreak in my country is still going on, and the number of cases has become outrageous in the last few weeks, the government decided to lock down the whole country starting from July 3rd until July 20th. Of course, this alert got me badly. But I was trying to be positive. I jogged my memory with several facts about how lucky I am with the fact that I am still alive and doing well with my family. My Dad still has his job and gets paid. The fact that I even get to work as a prudent data transcriber during this whole chaos is also one of the numerous things I need to remember and be grateful for every breath of my life. Some people that I know told me that comparing myself with others’ conditions to become grateful for life is childish and not a genuine thing to do. Yet, I talked to myself,

“If being childish is the only thing I can do to keep my sanity, then let me be.”

I might not be eloquent in uttering what is in my mind to other people, nor do I like to talk about it. Yet, the worries and horror in my heart are growing day by day. Actually, there are several people that I know, either my relatives or acquaintances that have passed away due to this dreadful and horrendous virus. I do not even know whom to be blamed for this unfortunate situation that we all have. Every day I tried to keep myself alive and to stay sane. Consuming vitamins, doing what I like, watching movies, even dancing. Again, these are privileges that I need to behold. Since there are a lot of people around me who got infected by the virus, I started to realize the big picture of how complicated, tiring, and stressful that sickness is for the sick ones as well as the family. It does not mean that I misjudged the seriousness of this pandemic is. But before, I had zero ideas about the virus, and the only thing that I thought of was that it is dreadful and scary. Now, more puzzle pieces have come to me, and so I assembled them to get a bigger picture of it.

Because of the condition of this nation that gets worsen, I canceled everything that I have prepared for the sake of my family’s health. The schedule for dining out on my birthday, my little food trip in Malang, and also my promise to meet my friends for the birthday. It drove me blue, obviously, yet I told myself to be more mature. The comfort that I found in my family also helped me to go through this short period of sadness faster. Mom promised to cook me Hokkien Noodle, while Daddy said he will give me fresh money as a birthday gift in return. We can just use the delivery service for my birthday feast. All problems are settled. Of course, I still have no opportunity to meet my friends. But in this global world, I can use Skype or any platform. It won’t be the same, I know. Nevertheless, it is not only my life that I put in danger if I insist to meet them, but also my family as well as my friends’ families.

Back then, I never agreed with the phrase no news is good news. Does not it seem ignorant to get no message at all from someone you are close to? Now, notwithstanding my opinion beforehand, I found it more comforting if I get a null notification during my day. These last few days, it seems like good news is always followed by terrible bad news. My job acceptance, my idols’ happy times, my little brother’s success. They all followed by unpleasant news, such as my house assistant's sickness, my cousin’s death, my big brother who got ill. The ratio of the good news that I got versus the bad news that came right afterward is just… illogical. These kinds of coincidences that happened on and on make me anxious about every good news that I got. What will God take from me in return?

Once again, I always think that I have no right to whine about my life. How I am now and how my family is now, our conditions are much better than several people who have to lose their jobs, get zero income, or even sick but do not have the money to pay for the medicine. We are, truly and deeply, thankful for God’s grace to us. However, this little diary is a reminder for me and myself. Once I get through this chaotic journey, I have to be so thankful for it. And I shall not blame God or anyone for my loss during this journey. [chtrn/7.7.21]

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